This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
jump out the window naked night went bad
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
