I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
