Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
