I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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