yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
