I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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