After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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