In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
