I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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