The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
