You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
