About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
