weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
