Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
