I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
