it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
