I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Randomize
