Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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