Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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