Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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