if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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