You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
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