I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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