Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
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And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
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You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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