I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
