I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
