I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
