I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
