Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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