so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
