I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
