Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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