i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
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Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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