So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize