I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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