Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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