just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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