I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize