Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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