Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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