Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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