I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
