i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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