Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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