I cockslap morals
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
