I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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