five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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