a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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