I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I need moral support for this bender
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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