If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize