FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
