I can't breathe out the right side of my face
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
