I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
