So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
