I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
