If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
