note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
