I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
