He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
