i jhust puked up my retainher.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
